please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
my liver is dry heaving
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
