dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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