Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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