Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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