Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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