operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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