I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
