I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
