The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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