Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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