This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
