If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
