why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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