the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
