I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
