it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
