I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
