dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
