The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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