I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
