I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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