ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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