Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
