She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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