and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
