Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
