i just made my gag reflex go away.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
