i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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