listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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