I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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