I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
