I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
