My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
