So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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