Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
