I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
