I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
