my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Come on in and take your pants off
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