she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
