Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
