Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
