I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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