I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
