I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Randomize
