god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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