Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
