Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
