a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
