Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
