you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
