I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I think my fart just growled at me.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
