There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
